All most people ever want is to be known. To be known in the rawest and purest form, and still be accepted and loved for it. But we’re too afraid to let our true selves be revealed, in fear that our significant other will find it unbearable to live with. It’s the fear of losing them that inhibits us from letting ourselves be known. It’s the half truths we tell, just to give a slight push to see how much they can take of our darkness. Intimacy requires absolute vulnerability; to trust your partner and place all your demons and monsters in his or her hand not knowing if it will only be met with abandonment. Do you know me? And if you ever tell me you love me, I’ll tell you that you don’t.
You don’t know the feeling of hopelessness that seems to take over me at the least expected of times. Or that there are days I spend in a lost daze, unsure if I am really alive or just a soulless body moving from one mundane task to the next. I feel nothing. I desire nothing. And if irony will have it, to feel nothing is the worst feeling. The absence of emotions makes me less than human, which leads me to ask, “What’s the point of being alive?”
There are days when I wish to disappear, mostly temporarily but sometimes permanently. When I want to hide from the world and sleep away the time, to hopefully wake up to another time when I’ll wake up feeling a little less ambivalent about life and a bit more… excited. Ambivalence is dangerous because I neither feel warmth or coldness. It’s useless, really. Sometimes, I want to submerge my head into the water. It’s quiet, serene and peaceful; I almost forget how chaotic the world is. My thoughts disappear into the pressure of the water. If only I can stay there a bit longer, just another second, just a few more minutes. And when I emerge, will I resurface with a passion for life or a rush of cowardliness because I couldn’t stay a bit longer?
It’s not your fault though. I’m keeping this truest part of me from you because it’s the darkest corners of me. And sometimes, the darkest center of me. You’re in the light. You are my light when I have trouble fighting away the darkness. Please, don’t ever join me in the dark.
I’m afraid that’s just who I am. When I’ve gotten too close, felt too much, and loved too deeply, I leave. Because I’m afraid of all that comes after. That giving it more time only presents more opportunities to muddle up and darken how good we had it. It’s just easier. Detachment and pushing people away -it’s just easier.
“1. Sometimes you’ll be like, “HEY EVERYONE LET’S DO SUSHI AND DRINKS AND FUN STUFF TOMORROW NIGHT!” but then tomorrow night comes and you regret everything as you try to weasel your way out of plans that you created. You resent 24-Hours-Ago-You for being so enthusiastic.”
28 images combined, each with a 15 second exposure. Taken around 8:30pm at Caspersen Beach, Florida. Stacked using Waguila’s star stacker program and the star spikes program for the diffraction effect.